What Do You Really Want?

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Mom and me in October, 2015

Yesterday morning, my life changed.

It’s not that this hasn’t been coming for a long time. Nonetheless, it’s a profound change.

In October 2008, my sister called me on a Sunday evening to tell me that our mother was having memory problems, and I needed to step-up. For the last ten years I’ve been on “team-Mom,” juggling a teaching career, mothering, and writing alongside my role as one of the major support people on my mother’s journey with Alzheimer’s.

In spring of 2009, I took time off work and spent a lot of time with my parents. We went grocery shopping and out to lunch every week, and we took Mom to see a neurologist.

In August of 2010, my much-loved father (still good with a crossword puzzle, still teaching Sunday School) suddenly died.

Four years and three months ago, Mom had a major stroke, and while she had, up until then, maintained much of her independence, the stroke put her on the fast train into dementia. We moved her into a skilled nursing facility, thinking we would lose her soon. Four years…

Yesterday, Mom’s journey ended, or — as a wise friend put it — her brand new journey began.

During the last few weeks, I’ve been trying to carry on as though nothing was changed. After Mom took a turn for the worse (and was no longer speaking) in September, yet continued to hang on, I told myself that I’d better get on with my life. I was scheduled to teach two classes at my college, and on the first day of classes (completely unprepared) I pulled myself together and got started with that.

I also had an on-line course all set up and ready to go, and I launched the free opening of it from my blog. The on-line course is small — just a few prompts so far (possibly an actual course, depending on interest) — you can read about it here (if you haven’t already). But one of the reasons I wanted to blog today is to say that my heart is really not up for it right now. Laura Day, in The Circle, says that our desires, our hungers, are what make us human, and I agree. I continue to believe that it’s helpful to identify what we want to achieve — in our writing lives as in the rest of our lives. I think it’s better to see these things clearly and I think it’s better to bring them out into the open, than to keep them buried. I also think it’s good to winnow through our desires and decide which are the truly important, which are for “some day” but not now, and which are really the universe’s job, and not ours at all. I want to talk about that in later posts.

For some more pictures of my mother, you can revisit this post. I’m also sharing a poem (below) that I wrote about cleaning out the farmhouse when we moved Mom in 2012. It first appeared in Pilgrimage.

For the next couple of weeks, I’ll be taking care of Mom’s final business in this world, things like death certificates and bank accounts and social security. And I’ll be celebrating my mom’s life with the rest of her very large extended family. For the next couple of weeks (while teaching, while being a mom of three young-adult daughters who have just lost their only grand-parent…etc.) — so far as the blog goes, I think I’ll lie low. I’ll let go of some things.

You’ll hear more from me after that.

Love, Bethany

 

Writing THE CIRCLE

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If you follow my blog, then you already know that I read a lot of books. I love sharing my books with friends and passing them along to the exact right person. But every so often, I come across a book that is so wonderful, I want to buy copies for all my friends.

One of those books is THE CIRCLE, by Laura Day.

Laura Day has written a number of successful books, including PRACTICAL INTUITION, WELCOME TO YOUR CRISIS, and HOW TO RULE THE WORLD FROM YOUR COUCH. But THE CIRCLE is my go-to favorite. I’ve read it several times, and I think I have an effective, “anti-woo woo” way to share it with you.

To my mind, THE CIRCLE isn’t necessarily “woo woo” (what do we mean by that? Spiritual? And what would be wrong with spiritual?), unless you want it to be. In the Prologue, Day reassures readers that The Circle is “not in conflict with any religious or spiritual beliefs,” and my experience has borne this out. You could understand it as an Irish Caim, a blessing circle. But it is not magic, and it is not about any realm of being other than the one we live in right now.

As Day explains, you have probably walked the circle before. My most powerful past experience of it came when my husband, Bruce, had a major health crisis. He was already in the hospital, and had undergone successful surgery. It was Mother’s Day and our daughters were 8, 8, and 2. My parents had been helping out, and planned to go home later that day, as Bruce was scheduled to be released. I had everything under control (hah!)—I had even worked out my teaching schedule so that I would miss only one day of classes! Long story short, my mother got up that Sunday morning and cancelled everything I had orchestrated for my Mother’s Day. She told me that I was to go to the hospital, by myself, and see Bruce.

Long story short, the supervising nurse met me as I got out of the elevator. My husband was hallucinating, he had ripped out his stitches and his catheter, and done some other damage to himself, and he was headed back into surgery.

If I wanted this introduction to be twice as long, I could tell you the astounding number of coincidences (besides my mother’s initial insight) that then ensued–including a woman I scarcely knew showing up at the hospital to take me to lunch because it was Mother’s Day and she thought it would be nice to do something for me. For the next ten days, I lived inside a circle where the right conversations, unexpected help, and loving encouragement flowed to me.

Here’s how Laura Day has helped me to understand this personal story.

Sometimes, often in a crisis, we get intensely focused on what we need. It’s kind of like the way radio waves are all around us, all the time, but we don’t always have a receiver tuned in to them. When my husband had his health crisis, I tuned in.

THE CIRCLE is about creativity; specifically, it is about living and creating consciously.  And it can help you to tune in to what you
really really really want to create in your life.

Day has divided the journey into nine parts, with three main headings: Initiation, Apprenticeship, and Mastery. My favorite subsections might be ritual and synchronicity, and these are the parts I always incorporate into my own classes, even my intro-to-composition classes that I used to teach at my college. (Now, of course, I’m sharing all of it!)

I hope I’ve intrigued you with this introduction. Over the next several weeks I’ll be writing my way through The Circle and I’d love it if you could join me.

Of course I recommend purchasing Laura’s book, but the posts will be enough to move you all the way through what I am calling WRITING THE CIRCLE.

In order to get started, all you have to do is subscribe to my blog. (See the link below.) If you want to know a little more, three of the posts will be available on the blog to everyone, and you can read the first one by clicking here.

7 Ways to Get More Writing Time

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This week I went back to school. Some time back in August I got a little panicky about money, and after brainstorming what I might do for $$$ while waiting to be discovered as the next Anne Tyler (sell courses on my blog, work at Edmonds Bookshop, read books aloud for Audible), I thought, “I can teach a couple classes.” Easy peasy, right?

So I emailed my old college, and sure enough they had a couple of composition courses lying around, unclaimed. (They had several, but I wisely took only 2.)

I turned in my book order. I started working on my syllabus. The opening of the quarter was looming. (Meanwhile, the college had more classes available–and were begging adjunct teachers to take another; I did not.)

And then my mother had another stroke. And then we called in Hospice. And then the family visits began. And then I had an itty bitty breakdown (and canceled my readings for Body My House, which was dumb, but felt absolutely necessary last week). I called the college and someone helped me come up with a plan, should I not be able to meet my classes the first few days.

And then, Mom got a tiny bit better, and the good Hospice people stopped saying she would die any minute.

So I took my hand off the panic button, and I pulled on my big girl panties, and I trudged off to the college yesterday morning.

If you want to write, if you want to be the writer you dream of being, then you have to write. And yes, you, too, have a life. So how do you carve writing time from that busy life?

  1. Write first thing in the morning, before everything else gets in the way.
  2. Write for a short, doable amount of time. Decide how much time that is, and if it’s only 15 minutes or 5, don’t fret about it. Set a timer and write.
  3. Write an email to yourself (or to your mother), but instead of “Hello, how are you / I am fine,” write a few lines for a poem, or a character sketch or a summary of the greatest blog post ever. (I find that I dash off emails, and within that framework I can sometimes circumvent what’s keeping me from writing.)
  4. Write ONE great 140-character line and Tweet it. Apply this principle (see #3) to whatever sort of writing you find easiest–just hijack it and go.
  5. Write in your car (parked of course, preferably in a very safe park, but a parking lot will do). Five or even fifteen minutes of writing in your car will not make you (too) late to dinner.
  6. Write during meetings. If nothing else, write a character description of the person leading the meeting. (I have a very interesting poem in which my former boss morphs into a dragon.)
  7. When you feel blocked–try writing out someone else’s words (attribute them clearly, of course) as a way to kick start your own words. Try following up with a close imitation, but with your own subject matter.

If you’re a teacher–here’s one more suggestions: WRITE WHILE YOUR STUDENTS WRITE.

If you want to write, then writing will be one of those things that fills the well of your being, enabling you to give to others.

No matter who’s dying. No matter whose paper is waiting to be read. You need that well filled. You must write.

The Fabulous Vanessa Shields

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A few months ago, I was lucky enough to meet “virtually” the very cool Canadian poet and blogger Vanessa Shields. No, we haven’t actually met–Windsor, Ontario, is not close by–but thanks to the magic of the Internet, she bumped into my poetry marathon this past April, and asked me to do an interview with her for her blog, and we exchanged books. Since then, Vanessa has been busy being–well, Vanessa. Mom-ing and poet-ing (and doing all manner of writing) and also launching a space for writing called Gertrude’s Writing Room.

You can read all about it at her blog, by clicking on this link. (Check out the “about” page, too!)

Ever since reading Vanessa’s books, Look at Her, and I Am That Woman, both of which are sexy as all get out–I’ve wanted to ask her some questions and do a blog post about her, so here it is. (Enjoy!)
Bethany: The journey toward getting a poetry manuscript together strikes me as being as idiosyncratic and story-worthy as the book itself. Can you share some details about how Look at Her came into being? Was that birth different from that of your earlier book of poems, I Am That Woman‘s?

Vanessa: I have to agree! I love talking about ‘making-ofs’ too! The birth of each book has been vastly different as far as time and process goes. But on the inside – meaning – in the body, the soul and the mind – I think I’m always stretching and pulling and hoping to change on one or more levels of ‘self’. It is continuously emotional, exhausting and completely exhilarating creating the poems. They come to me at all different times, in all different ways. I always have a pen and paper with me (I don’t think I’ll ever make the switch to typing myself notes on my smartphone. It feels anti-process. Though, I have sent myself emails to remember things…).

I Am That Woman happened very quickly. Within three months, I put a manuscript together, edited and revised, created the cover and planned a launch. It was fast and furious – and the poems were reflective of my struggles to find time to write as a mother of two. Lots of angst and comedy and sexy bits. It was my first published collection of poetry so of course I had delusions that it would win awards and catapult me to poetry-stardom. Ha.

Look At Her came a couple years later. This time, we (my editor/publisher and I) took our time with the writing, editing and revising process. We planned ahead, had weekly meetings and took our time with the book’s organization. I had time to see that certain sections were weaker and I was able to write new poetry to fill in the gaps. As well, this time, I not only planned a huge launch, but a small book tour. That was so much work! But I was so proud of the book, it felt necessary to share it at readings and events around Ontario. Yes, those delusions were still alive – even more so because the process of making the book took longer and so I had that whole time to build up to its ‘birth’. This collection was more mature, still had some comedy and sexy bits, but it felt much more ‘me’. The awards didn’t happen for this book either…and after the tour I was depleted and frustrated and sad. I didn’t write another poem for months.

I think one major different between these two collections was also ‘conception’ – if I may make a sex connection! I had many poems written before I Am That Woman became a possibility. I gathered poetry I’d already had and used that to start the process. With Look At Her I wrote almost all of them fresh. So, there was much more conceiving going on with Look At Her than there was for I Am That Woman. I can see/feel it when I read the books. I’m proud of both, but they are different.

Alas, I find that my instinct for themes when writing continues to fall into the following categories: motherhood, feminism, femininity, womanhood, the female body, sex, family – and comedy helps write these poems too. I use ‘funny’ to maybe quiet the pain?

I think the making-of of each book will be slightly different in terms of time and process – life will keep it that way!

But, at my heart-centre, I hope that I can always write from my truth and be motivated by love…as the root of any changes that are taking place within. 

Bethany: This is exactly what I feel when I read your poems. They come from place at your core. As I know you’re at work on a new manuscript of poems, does it differ from your previous books, overlap, or strike out into new territory?

Vanessa: I just finished writing my new poetry book last night! How cool is that? Its working title is ‘thimble’. This collection began out of spiteful necessity. Meaning, I couldn’t not write poetry anymore. Come last October, I was bursting after having not written in months. I was on the fence about submitting to the Ontario Arts Council Recommenders’ Grants because I was pissed I didn’t get one the previous year (!). Out of spite, I threw some poems together and submitted. I got three grants! The most ever for me – and it floored and humbled me. Also, gave me the confidence I needed to keep writing. My confidence shifted from a drying brook to a roaring river!

Bethany: Congratulations!

Vanessa: In terms of style, this is my most serious collection yet. I really challenged myself to move in to the dark places of my soul and mind. There is very little humour in this collection. And while some pieces are sexual in nature, they aren’t about ‘sex’ per se. I needed to inhabit the darkness this time around because some very dark things were happening in ‘real life’. I needed to understand how I was feeling and why – and when I went inside, it was dark. So yes, this is new territory for me. But also freeing. And, I hope, hope-full!

There is also very, very new territory for me in terms of form. I’ve included sketches that I’ve created with pen. I am not a visual artist at all! But, this calling to add a visual element to some of the poetry was so strong I couldn’t deny it. I’m not sure how publishers will feel about this…or some of the other challenges to form that I’m playing with…I hope they like it!

This collection feels very different from the others but it is still about motherhood, women, feminism, and family. It seems to me that these themes are unavoidable in my poetry. I’m good with it. It’s my truth.

Bethany:  What about your other new project, the birth of Gertrude’s Writing Room? What do you especially want readers to know about it?

Vanessa: Gertrude’s Writing Room is my office and shared teaching space with a big table and a cool garage door that we can open to let the cool breeze in! The idea for GWR was born close to ten years ago, but really has been alive in some form or other in my heart since I was a child, when I was in Paris writing in the cafes that Hemingway and Fitzgerald wrote…and walking the streets of Montmartre….feeling the life still very much thriving in the history of the cobble stones and buildings…I think if I could choose a time to return to earth, I’d choose the 1920s in Paris! (The film Midnight in Paris is pretty much ‘me’ in a nutshell. Except, I’m a woman!) I was actually 8 months pregnant when I was in Paris! So, there was a literal birthing very close to happening too! I had the incredible chance to read out front of Shakespeare and Company Bookstore in Paris. It changed me. And my daughter, who I was pregnant with at the time, always says: I want to go back to Paris! I totally believe that she felt its power through my belly! In any case, I knew that I wanted to create something in Windsor that felt like Paris…that was like the home of Gertrude Stein – a gathering place for creative people to do their art, to write, to eat, to play and more! That is essence of Gertrude’s Writing Room. Now, I’d always envisioned a storefront with a cafe as part of it, but that’s a really giant responsibility! And what do I know about running a cafe? Nothin’! So, I ‘revised’ my dream to start smaller with an office and a classroom. I’ll build quietly and patiently through the writing…and perhaps one day, I’ll be able to afford and feel confident enough to open Gertrude’s Literary Cafe. For now, I’m completely thrilled about Gertrude’s Writing Room!

The thing I want people to know about it is that everyone is welcome because everyone has a story to tell. Everyone has stories to tell. Writing is an incredible tool to use to self-express these stories. Gertrude’s Writing Room is a special space created for people to write these stories – in different forms (poetry, short stories, screenwriting, novels, etc.) that are being taught/led by different experts (writers from near and far will lead workshops. I will lead the classes. For now!).

At its essence, Gertrude’s Writing Room a dream space created out
of the love of writing and gathering. 

Also, I really, really hope that it becomes the place that every writer that comes to Windsor visits – either to read in, to write in or to lead a workshop in. Or all three! I want it be known Canada-wide as a ‘must-stop-here’ literary gem. That’s a big part of the dream for Gertrude’s Writing Room – a gathering place from writers!

It’s always being updated, and will very soon show the classes and workshops/events for the Fall/Winter. Currently, I do not teach on-line courses. But perhaps in the future this will change!

Bethany: One of your questions in my interview that got a surprising amount of buzz was “What’s your morning routine?” So, when do you do your best writing, and what’s your routine for sinking into / rising into your writing routine?

Vanessa: I’m fascinated by artists’ ability to discipline themselves in order to create their craft(s). This is why I always ask writers this question! I’m hoping to glean some new ideas for my own discipline and writing processes! Plus, I think it shows that we all are working – even if the ‘how’ and ‘where’ and ‘when’ are different. Writers need to read and write. It’s important that people know that – because the first question we always get asked is: what have you published? Sometimes it feels like if we are constantly getting published then we aren’t ‘real writers’. That’s not the case at all! We need time to re-energize and re-birth!

My morning routine these days is very inconsistent. It’s summer for my kids (age 10 and 12) and I’m home with them all but one day of the week (I work one day a week at my ‘day’ job as a producer at a film/television production company). We love to sleep in, yo. I don’t get up and right. I don’t get up and exercise. I let my body tell me when to get up! Then I face the day! I have Gertrude’s now though, so many days, me and the kids will head to my office and I’ll work there. Sometimes I’m writing while others I’m answering emails and working on social media. It’s very, very varied! Last week and into this weekend, for example, I promised that I’d finish my poetry manuscript so I announced it to my family, and changed my schedule so that I made time to write A LOT. I got up early to write. I wrote in the afternoon. I wrote after dinner. It was sporadic but efficient. I find I am able to put my head down and really give it! Deadlines are great motivations for me. Also, I have some extraordinary writer friends (soul sisters!) who are very great at coaching me to keep writing and stay disciplined. One of my dear friends challenged me to finish my poetry manuscript by August 3rd. It’s the 7th and I made it!

This schedule will change come September when the kids go back to school. I’m looking forward to it! I hope to get to Gertrude’s at least three days a week for full-days of work, and then come October, teaching in the evenings too. I’m totally chained to the school year!

I think I do my best writing when I’ve given myself the space and time to think about it…and then tell my ‘support system’ (aka: family/friends) that I need to sit down and do the writing/ editing/
revising. Communication is key to getting writing done and projects finished. Whether you’re writing a novel or poem – if you need the time and space to do it, let your support system know.

Bethany: Finally, as a mom of three (now mostly grown up) daughters, I’d love to know how being a mom has impacted your writing–AND  vice versa.

Vanessa: Everything I write is connected to being a mother. My first book, Laughing Through A Second Pregnancy, is a memoir about being pregnant for the second time. I was having a totally different experience and when I went to find a book to read to help me feel less scared, I couldn’t find one. I started writing humorous, comparative essays about the differences between my first and second pregnancies. The words flowed out of me! Luckily, I was able to get these essays published in a book, but if I wasn’t pregnant again, there’s a big possibility I wouldn’t have written that collection. I’ve been blogging about being a parent for over 10 years. There’s just so much to say about parenting and how it changes everything. I usually follow my instinct to write about this experience…

The way/how I write is also connected because typically ‘family’ comes first in terms of my choices for time fillage! (New word alert!) As my kids get older and we all feel more comfortable doing our ‘own’ thing, time opens up like a blooming flower for each of us to do the things we love. The kids were pumped about me opening Gertrude’s. They were involved in looking for a place, in moving in, in doing the wallpaper! They love coming to the space and hanging out, and they even tell me they want to work there. It’s such a wild ride!

I think the hardest part of being a creative person is navigating between the love of your ‘work’ and the love of your self/family (and this includes what ‘family’ means to you – just because you haven’t any children doesn’t mean you don’t have a family!). When I’m not writing, I’m grumpy and not ‘me’. When I’m not with my family, I’m grumpy and not ‘me’. Some days I feel as though there are two people inside – two souls, two hearts, two brains….and neglecting either one affects my day-to-day. I can explain this to my kids now. And they definitely recognize that I change in mood/energy when I’m not reading or writing. We’re all in this together, and as we all age and change and support each other’s dreams, it affects what I’m writing.

My son asked me last night if there were poems about him in my new manuscript, and if I always write ‘happy’ poems about him and his sister. This shows me that he’s paying attention to my work, that he cares about it. I write about my kids in different ways. I don’t want to embarrass them! And some of the pieces, they can’t read yet! But, I think what matters most is that they see me doing my craft, working hard, pushing myself creatively, suffering and being sad, and then picking myself up, and now, with Gertrude’s Writing Room, living my dreams. Even the big ones. Even when they take years to come true.

I want my kids to learn what my work ethic is, how working hard makes the soul and body feel good, how doing what you love matters even when rejection and little income is part of it. This is all part of ‘writing’. My ‘process’ is so wrapped up in mothering that it is always impacted – and vice versa! One doesn’t exist without the other. It’s a co-exist kinda thing. And, boy am I bursting with love when I see my kids reading and writing or being creative – on their own! They inspire me. I think I inspire them! (Ah shoot, I’m getting teary!) I want to be my best as mother and as writer for them.

As I also follow Vanessa on Instagram, and have seen the pix of her kids at the beach (plus a pic of her notebook at the beach), I’ve no doubts.

Order Vanessa’s books at your independent bookstore, or Amazon.