Fear Itself…

image borrowed from http://darkwolfsfantasyreviews.blogspot.com/2009_03_01_archive.html

The day I posted about my inertia? How it wasn’t some big hairy fear, just inertia that keeps me from my work? Everywhere I looked I found evidence to the contrary. That evening, my last night in my mom’s apartment in Chehalis, I binge watched Criminal Minds, and all three episodes were (of course) about fear. Here are two of the quotes from the wrap-ups:

“Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” ― G.K. Chesterton

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

Was it inertia that led me to stay up until midnight…or to use three hours of solitude on tv rather than on my own work…or packing mom’s kitchen?

Just because you refuse to face it, Bethany, doesn’t mean it’s not fear.

 

My Waitress Thing

If you’ve ever been at a restaurant with me, you know why this short film from Hallmark hit all my buttons.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_8kuHtgMV0

Me and My Inertia…

“If you want to write, you can. Fear stops most people from writing, not lack of talent, whatever that is. Who am I? What right have I to speak? Who will listen to me if I do? You’re a human being, with a unique story to tell, and you have every right. If you speak with passion, many of us will listen. We need stories to live, all of us. We live by story. Yours enlarges the circle.” ― Richard Rhodes

I’d like to say that it’s fear that stops me from writing. Fear sounds so BIG, so sort of cool. Oooh, I caaann’t! I’m afraaaid! I can pretend I’m that cute girl in the scary movie, the one running through the forest in high heels. Epic fear.

But I’m not really sure that it’s fear that gets in my way. Vague, incoherent fears perhaps underlie my awesome ability to procrastinate, my inspiring lack of the ability to prioritize, my death-defying grip on inertia. But what if it’s just inertia?

And this, of course (I admit), from someone who does get quite a bit of writing done. Feeling overwhelmed by life and its demands this summer, however, I have not been getting writing done. Which is not to say I haven’t read 30 novels and played many, many games of Spider Solitaire.

At the end of my life, I don’t want to see a ledger with one side all weighted down with great TV shows, great novels, and great card games. I’m not alone here (I’m pretty sure, as I have also been closely observing three 21-year-old women all summer). So, how many hours do you spend watching television or playing games on your very-smart cell phone — or both?

At the end of your life do you want to say, I meant to … fill in the blank with whatever it is for you (get healthy, quit smoking, lose weight, spend a summer on a sailboat, learn to play the piano, write a book)? Wouldn’t it be cool if you could say you’ve done those things? Were you afraid to do them, or did you just never get started? Getting started is easy, and you can practice getting started, every day, even if all you have is 5 minutes or (my favorite) 15…

I know, I know, when you’re overwhelmed with life, changing your life does not feel like an easy thing. What’s that old saying? When you’re up to your neck in alligators it’s hard to remember that your job was to drain the swamp.

It’s time for me to reread Virginia Valian’s essay, “Learning to Work,” which is, courtesy of Theo Pauline Nestor, available on-line, here: http://writingismydrink.com/learning-to-work/

My empty office…

CAM00313~3Leaving my tenure-track teaching position at Everett Community College is right up there with the most difficult things I have ever done. Today, at my husband’s insistence, we drove up here with a stack of empty boxes and we cleaned out the remaining files. I kept quite a few. I tossed quite a few. I kept finding bundles of student letters (my creative nonfiction students wrote a self-reflective letter, to themselves, at the end of each quarter and turned it in with a self-addressed envelope; I have now sent all of them back — sorry for the delay!) and those had to be dealt with. I wrote notes on the first batch, and then gave up and just stuffed them in envelopes and put them in the mail.

In Thinking Like Da Vinci, Michael J. Gelb advocates writing lists. So here’s my list of the most difficult things that I’ve done in my life.

  • Adopting my daughters–especially the first adoption, which came on the heels of a failed adoption and was, thus, emotionally fraught, but the second one, too, when it really seemed (at age 43) that I was too old for a newborn.
  • My Ph.D.–particularly the writing of the dissertation. Exams were right up there, too, now that I think about it. I remember feeling as though a committee member might lean forward and say, “Isn’t your dad a logger? Aren’t you working class? Why are you here?”
  • Leaving my restaurant career…
  • Getting married, and staying married… (let’s just leave it at that).
  • My decision to get an M.F.A. rather than a teaching degree (despite my husband’s opposition).
  • My dad’s death in the summer of 2010.
  • My mom’s illness this summer.
  • I can definitely put “parenting teenagers” on the list, though parenting my twins as preschoolers can’t really be topped for difficulty.
  • Writing a novel and seeing it…almost…through to completion.CAM00264

What I notice when I look back over this list is that I wouldn’t give up one of these, that I am, in fact, grateful for them. The really hard things, it turns out, are the things that have made my life my own. (I’d rather my dad were still alive and my mom, still healthy, but would I choose not to be present with the death of a loved one? To not be there now for my mom? No thanks, I’d rather be present.)

I remember a poet some years ago–this was at the University of Washington back when I was on the Watermark Reading Series committee–telling us that when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she told herself, “I am going to survive this, and I am going to write about it.”

I have mixed feelings–still–about leaving my college teaching job. But I already know that I am going to survive it, and I am going to write about it. The two things are (for me, at least) intimately related.

So, what are your hardest things? What’s the hard thing that you’ve been putting off doing?